Letter to my Big Bubby:
It has been a little over a year, we lost you November 10th, 2015. It’s going to be another crazy holiday without you because Million Dollar Brother and Baby Sis are moving the week before Christmas. I am hoping that when I get there, everything will be unpacked and put away. 🙂
This Christmas, as Thanksgiving was, is going to be tough. I believe I was numb last year through the holidays, only by the grace of God to ensure I made it through. It was our first set of holidays without you and it was all still so new to us, I think I slept and probably drank my way through the pain of not having you there. This year, clearer minds, clearer bodies, I believe we will have a tougher time celebrating.
I found a saying on one of my Facebook closed grief sites that I think pretty much sums up my life right now:
You don’t even realize your living in a before until you wake up one day
And find yourself in an after!
Last Thanksgiving and Christmas we were all still reeling from the loss and trying to find our way through the “fog” that other grieving parents talked about at the time. As I look back a year ago, I am not sure how I made it through. I am so thankful for the support system your dad and I had wrapped around us during the holidays last year. We have such amazing family and friends that were there to ensure we were never left alone for long. But still, being in the “fog” protected us from having to face the harsh reality of our loss. This year, hearing people laugh, celebrate, talk about what they are doing for the holidays just makes me want to stay closed in my home wrapped tightly in a warm blanket and sleep through the holiday season.
I am going to miss your grumpy attitude coming down the stairs of the old house because your little brother and sister are ready to open presents and your still sleeping. Your laughter throughout the day as you and dad watch football together. Your silly, sloppy kisses you used to give to us both will be greatly missed this holiday as with every day you are gone from us.
We will set a picture of you and Cowgirl somewhere close and light a candle for remembering you while the family is together. Anxiety levels will be high for me while our family is together because you and Cowgirl will not be there to celebrate with us. Since we will be in Lubbock, I will be going through the area where you were laid to rest to visit on my way. So that I can see all of my children this holiday season.
We will be busy I am sure, with Baby Sis and Million Dollar Brother moving, we will be setting up the new house with them. That will be good to keep us all busy and our minds not wandering. I definitely am in a better place than I was a year ago. When we passed the one year mark and settled with the other party a weight was lifted off my shoulders I didn’t really realize was there. I was so in the forest, I couldn’t see the trees so to speak. You will be with us in spirit I know, it’s just that it would be much more for you to be here in person.
I am reading a book right now that talks about spirits being around us every day. I believe in God, I believe that Jesus is the way to heaven, I always have. Now, I am opening my mind to different ways of interpreting my surroundings, so to speak. Several of the books on Mediums I have read, these are people that are God fearing people and use their ability to help others who are suffering with unanswered questions.
Again, I know that I will never know the answer to why this side of seeing you in heaven, but there is a lot of other things that I can do to help myself be more at peace with my situation that I have found through all the books I have read.
My heart breaks every morning as I rise and know, my nightmare is real. I know you are here with me in spirit alone. I miss you my sweet boy every day and my soul aches for your touch and voice. That, I believe, will never go away.
Love and miss you dearly and always – Mom
To those whose families are still whole, make wonderful memories this holiday season as none of us know when your family will have a missing part that can never be replaced. The hole that leaves in a parent’s soul will not be filled no matter the tries to do so. Hug your kids tight tonight and every night, tomorrow, as I always say, is not a given. Enjoy the time you have today. Cherish the memories you are making.
To our first responders, military, and medical field workers who are not able to be home this holiday season, know my family thanks you for your service so that we may spend our holiday with our families protected by you because you have our six (hopefully the military boys will correct me if I am wrong) :).
To other grieving parents who are on my path with me, both in front of and just starting out, I pray you have a peaceful holiday season. May you find a little bit of joy and grace in your holiday’s this year. To those parents out there just starting this journey, I am sorry for your loss, I know the deep pain you are going through during the beginning stages of the “new” life you are in. Know that parents on your journey before you can help you, you are not alone in this journey. There are multiple blogs, Facebook pages (closed so that only the bereaved parents who are members can see – it’s a safe place), and books out there to help guide you. The road we are on is not one we chose, but has been chosen for us to walk down, only God knows why. I pray for peace, comfort, grace, and love to surround us all during our difficult time this year. This is what I will be striving for during this holiday season.
To those who have stood with my family over the last year, you have no idea how you have held our family together. To the newest members of our family, we are so happy to have found you and can only say that Big Bubby brought us all together and we hate that you were not able to meet him personally and are only hearing stories of him. Thank you to those who have watched over my two children when I am so far away. You will never know how much I love you for that support system. Our family are all thankful for the love and support that has surrounded us during our darkest hours.
May the peace of understanding and the grace of the Lord wash over us all during the holidays.
Hugs to all of us wherever we are and whatever we are going through.