I haven’t really posted consistently in the last several weeks. We have had a multitude of things going on around us. Since we live in New Orleans and Million Dollar Brother and Baby Sis live in Lubbock, we travel a lot to see them on the field at the football games. It is 14 hours one way so by the time we get back to the house we are beat.
I finally received all the documentation that the airline requires for service dogs to fly so no more 14 hour trips to/from Lubbock. She and I will be riding in style, or as much style as Southwest Airlines has. 🙂
It is less than eight weeks away from the one year anniversary of the loss of Big Bubby. I am working on putting a celebration of life together for us to gather and remember him. His battle buddies are also working on trying to be there for it as well. It is amazing how fast time has gone yet how painstakingly slow everything has been. I am in awe of how life just seems to keep moving without a thought to what happened almost a year ago now.
How much change has happened that Big Bubby has missed out on over the past year, just to think about that is amazing. Friends having babies, his mom having the first accident after his, softball games and winners circles, birthdays, graduations, etc. So much you can’t remember it all, yet there is an emptiness of knowing Big Bubby didn’t get to see it with us all. Although I know everyone will say, he saw, he was with you, he flew down the field with Million Dollar Brother, it just isn’t the same.
New memories are made every day with our family without Big Bubby here. We haven’t taken family pictures yet, but reading other bereaved parents who have, say it is very difficult the first time you have it done. I don’t want to take family pictures again because he won’t be in them, but as most will say life goes on and we have to go on with it.
I move through my days now trying to “get on” with life. It is difficult when you wake up every morning to remembering you no longer have a child on earth. You push forward because it is the only thing you can do. The thought of Big Bubby is never far from the forefront of my thoughts though.
Million Dollar Brother and Baby Sis show strength and grace that no one at their age should be shouldering. They are in the prime of their lives at college and shouldn’t have the thoughts of a lost brother in the back of their minds to pull them down.
One thing learned in all of the months I have been living this nightmare is that life is not fair. God gave me responsibility for three beautiful, smart, sassy, funny, loving, perfect children to care for. He never made it clear until 11/10/15 that they were just mine for a moment. They are his children, all have accepted him as their Lord and Savior, and he will take them back when their time has come no matter how hard I pray that he doesn’t. I don’t know his plans, none of us do this side of heaven, all I know is that this past year has been by far the hardest I have ever had to live through.
I have learned that I am not the independent, strong, person I have always been. God taught me a lesson in all of this and that is he is in control, no matter how strong you think you are, God will always be there to show you he has control of any situation you are in. God and I are still working our way back to each other. I struggle daily with that. He took my son and I am trying to work my way through “why”.
As I end this post, remember, you were given your children as a gift from God, they are only yours for a little while. When they have served their need here on earth, God will call them home to be with him. No matter what you believe, I believe that is how it is.