What a powerful statement yet so hard to do as a Christian with a type A personality. In a previous post Live Simply, Love Generously, Care Deeply, Speak Kindly, Leave the Rest to God! I talked about being able to do all these things except the last, Leave the Rest to God. I am still struggling, and probably will be for a while, with God taking my baby boy. I have never been good at letting God lead me anywhere. I fight where he wants to take me and my family sometimes. I blame that on my personality of wanting to do everything on my own terms.
Since I am such a Type A personality it is difficult for me to give anything over to anyone. My husband of 20ish years can again attest to that. Maybe that is my lesson to learn in all of this grief, God is in charge and I have to give myself over to him before I can begin to heal.
But how does one do that when you are so deep in the grief that you don’t see any way out of it? I have loving friends, family, even strangers I have never met giving me great advise. I know that they all are trying to help me get back to where I was at in my faith. I just don’t know that I am going to be able to do that.
As I have stated in my previous posts, I have always believed in God/Jesus and the eternal life you are given when you accept Jesus into your life. When growing up, we, who believe are always told that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Sometimes, now I wonder if that statement is true or not. 1 Corinthians 10:13 – “You know, God will never give you more than you can handle”, how can this be a truth to live by when I am going through something I don’t know mentally or physically if I will come out the other side or have a mental breakdown from the loss. Again, my personality type tells me that I am the only one who can make that happen. I can’t depend on others, including God, to make that happen for me. I know that is not the “right” thing to say, but right now that is how I feel.
Before the accident, our lives were good, I won’t say perfect, because no one has perfect lives. We had our issues but as a family we would work through them. Now, every time the phone rings, especially at early morning hours or late hours, unexpectedly my heart goes to my stomach. Is it another call that is going to take the life out of me?
I am amazed at some of the bloggers I follow and how they have trusted God so much and have put their faith into him giving all of their grief over to him. They have their bad days, sure, but to read their blogs, it is so inspiring to see how they use the bible to hold themselves together. Maybe it is because it such a fresh loss to me that I can’t understand why they were not mad at God for taking their child. Or maybe they were but didn’t allow the world to know that. I am not sure.
I am going to start a devotional that Baby Sis gave me for Mother’s Day. She was so sweet that day, she told me, “when your ready mom, here, we bought you this”. She knows that I am truly struggling and knows to walk lightly on that, but for her to have the presence of mind to say that at 17 shows me how mature and how faithful she is to her belief in God. This gives me hope that I can find my faith once again as surely as she has kept hers.